My Cat’s Morning Screams™️, Translated

My four-year-old Siamese cat, Fonzie — Arthur Fonzarelli when he’s in trouble — wakes up anywhere between 4 a.m. and 6 a.m. to begin his patented Morning Screams™️, i.e. the screams he does in the morning. They are, simultaneously, declarations and curiosities (I assume). Here’s what I think he’s saying:

It’s been dark out for a long time!

Will the big light ever come back?!

I can’t remember what it feels like to be pet!

Come quick! The big light outside is back!

Help! There’s a bird I can’t get to!

Are your hands broken?!

There’s a ghost above you!

I’m all alone in this one room!

Do you think the bird wants to be my friend?!

The food is gone!!!

I have a burning desire to learn how to read!

Where did all this food come from?!

Did you know there’s another me in this window thing?!

What if I never have a new place to sit ever again?!

I think I know how to sing!

My fur is so soft someone should touch it to confirm!

I wish I understood gravity!

Where are all these new smells coming from?!

I’m all alone in this one room!

Do you think the bird wants to be my friend?!

There’s a ghost in the bathroom!

I can’t believe how many toes I have!

Listen to how loud I can get!!!

Let it goooooo, let it goooooo! Can’t hold it back anymore!

This toy is broken!

Never mind, I figured it out!

Nope! How did it break again?!

Ok, that’s my bad, I fixed it!

I lost it!!!

This place is swamped with ghosts!