7 Ways You Are Confusing Your Cat Without Realizing It

Has your cat ever surprised you with a response that seemed completely out of nowhere? Maybe you called them, they came running over, and then suddenly took off in the other direction at the speed of light. Or you’re snuggled up, gently petting their belly, and before you know it, they’re wrapped around your arm and are furiously bunny-kicking you. What the heck?

Communicating with your cat happens on a lot of different levels. It’s not necessarily about your intention. It’s things like tone of voice, what else is happening in the area, and your body language that your cat uses to interpret your behavior and form their response.

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You have to look at these things from your cat’s perspective, not yours. I call it “wearing your cat goggles.” They have unique instincts, as both predators and prey. With those instincts in mind, how might you be confusing your cat by applying human logic instead of cat logic? Let’s talk about it.

1. Trying to make friends with a cat by making eye contact

Everyone has heard about the slow blink. A cat slow-blinking at you shows that they’re relaxed and comfortable. Through a human lens, it would then make sense to slow blink at them. So, we lock eyes, do a slow blink, and then keep staring directly at them to see if they slow blink back. 

The problem is that intense stare. Remember a cat’s prey sequence (how they hunt). First, they stare. Then they stalk and chase, pounce or grab, and do their kill bite. If a cat is being stared at, they feel like they’re being hunted. It makes them uneasy. 

The fix:

Take the intensity out of it. Look softly at the cat, do your slow blink, and then look away. That’s what they do with each other. 

2. Rewarding your cat for getting down off the counter

Cats get on counters for simple reasons. Maybe there’s food up there. Or the kitchen is where all the action is, and they want to be part of it. 

To teach our cats to stay off the counter, the best tool is positive reinforcement. Reward the behavior you want, and they’re likely to do that behavior more often. What do we do? When our cat gets on the counter, we tell them to get down and then reward them for getting down. 

What does that teach them? Getting down off the counter gets them a reward. How do they get down? They have to get up first. We’re unintentionally teaching them to get on the counter so they can get down and get their reward.

The fix:

Use positive reinforcement, but change what you’re rewarding. Reward your cat for not getting on the counter in the first place. Being on the floor in the kitchen gets rewards. Better yet, give them an alternative perch in that area. When they use the perch instead of the counter, reward them! 

If they get on the counter, remove them in a very neutral way (no talking or attention). Then redirect them to the appropriate perch and reward them for using it. 

3. Forcing your cat to do something that scares them, so they can get used to it

You’re familiar with the idea of facing your fears, right? If you’re scared of spiders, force yourself to interact with spiders until that fear goes away. That’s human logic that doesn’t work well with cats.

Knowing that cats are prey in the wild, they have a different approach to scary things. Their fear is part of what keeps them alive. If they’re forced to stay in a situation that instinct tells them is scary, they don’t relax… at least, not very much. Instead, they put their guard up. The whole experience is stressful and negative. 

The fix:

Slow and positive exposure. You can control the intensity of most scary things. Think of it like a volume knob that you can adjust. Start exposing your cat to that scary thing at the lowest possible intensity. Turn that knob all the way down so your cat isn’t scared at all. Then very gradually turn it up, one notch at a time. 

Each time you turn up that intensity, pair it with something positive, like treats and verbal praise. This teaches your cat that the scary thing isn’t really all that scary. And they feel great about it because they got so much good stuff while they were getting to know it. 

4. Yelping and pushing your cat away when they get play aggressive

It’s common for young cats to be play-aggressive. It happens with older kitties, too. They’re focused on learning to hunt and defend themselves. Anything that moves can be good practice, including your legs as you walk down the hall or your arm as you pet them.

They lock on to their target, get down low, wiggle that butt, and take off after your bare legs. Or they grab your arm mid-pet, like they’re in the fight of their lives. You yelp, or maybe yell “No,” and quickly and wildly try to push them away or pull away from them. But they seem to get even more excited. Why?

What would prey do if it were trying to escape your cat? Yelp and thrash around. Instead of helping your cat calm down, you may be triggering their prey drive with your reaction.  

The fix:

Stay calm and quiet. Gently move away from your cat with no sound or engagement at all. Just remove the targeted body part slowly and turn away or leave the area. If they’re latched on, try gently pushing toward them instead of pulling away. When they let go, calmly move away. 

Let them calm down for a few minutes. Then give them a better way to meet that need. Have a good play session. 

Of course, your safety is top priority. If your cat is causing pain or damage, get out of the situation as quickly as you can and consider working with a certified feline training and behavior consultant on a plan to address your cat’s more serious play aggression. 

5. Using punishment

Cats do what they do for a reason. Most of their behavior is based on instinct. Even when they’re doing something you don’t like, there’s a reason for it. Using punishment to stop unwanted behavior isn’t going to work. No amount of punishment is going to undo thousands of years of instinctual programming. 

If you apply punishment, they’re more likely to get defensive or fearful of you. All it will do is damage your relationship, and you should never behave this way toward your cat.

The fix:

Reward the behaviors you want instead of punishing the behaviors you don’t want. Rewarded behaviors get repeated. For example, your cat scratches their scratcher instead of the couch. Reward it. That’s the best way to encourage the behavior you want from your cat.  

6. Giving up on a play session when your cat stops chasing the wand toy

We grab our cat’s favorite wand toy and fling it around. They seem really excited for a few minutes. Then they suddenly stop. You think playtime must be over. They’ve lost interest. Or have they?

Go back to a cat’s natural hunting sequence. Staring, stalking/chasing, pouncing/grabbing, and then the kill bite. That first step — staring — can be a huge part of the process. Staring and strategizing is key to actually catching their prey.

The fix:

Keep going. If your cat is watching that toy move around, they’re engaged. Let them stare, learn what the “prey” is doing, and think about how to catch it. They may be waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Don’t give up. 

7. Using inconsistent training cues

Hopefully, in your cat studies, you’ve learned that they can be trained. Clicker training is so much fun and fantastic mental enrichment.

When teaching a cat to sit, for example, you may get caught up in the moment. You start with a clear, concise “sit” cue. As your cat starts to lose interest or get distracted, the cue changes. “Sit, buddy.” “Come on, sit.” “Sit, sit, sit.” “You gotta sit, man.” Your cat is now thoroughly confused.

The fix:

Stick to a simple, clear, consistent cue. “Sit” should sound the same each time you give that cue, whether it’s in training or using it in everyday life. The more consistent you are, the better your cat will understand what you’re asking for. 

Bottom line

Put on your cat goggles and think about how your cat might perceive your actions. You’ll be amazed at how well you can learn to understand their behavior and how much more clearly you’ll be able to communicate with them. We all want a deeper connection with our cats. This is a wonderful way to build that relationship.