Anticipatory Grief for an Aging—or Even Young—Pet Is a Very Real Thing

The feeling can come out of nowhere. Maybe you’re walking your dog and notice how their pace has slowed over time. Or perhaps you’re flipping through photo albums and realize just how many years they’ve been by your side. Whatever the reason, the knot in your throat is undeniable. Suddenly, you’re thinking about a future without them in it — about having to pack up their collar, their tag, and their favorite toys to store somewhere special. The scenario might be in your head, but the sadness is real. This is called “anticipatory grief.”

Anticipatory grief might feel strange or even silly, but the pain is perfectly normal. It doesn’t matter if your pet is old or young, sick or healthy. According to veterinary social worker Haley Engelman, a group facilitator for Pet Loss Community, anyone can experience anticipatory grief at any time. That said, it’s most common among those whose pets are getting older or whose health is in decline. Whether you’re going through it yourself or supporting a loved one, empathy will be key.

Those who experience anticipatory grief are in a uniquely difficult position, Engelman says. They’ll feel all of the same things as anyone who is grieving a deceased pet, plus “the stress and anxiety that comes with the ‘what ifs’ — the unknown of the future, and the unique dynamic of grief when our pet is still here with us.”

Let your grief come.

While everybody experiences anticipatory grief differently, Engelman has observed a few common themes. Beyond feelings typically associated with mourning, such as sadness, numbness, guilt, and anger, she notes that anticipatory grievers can also experience anxiety, fear, and worry. You might feel afraid to leave your pet alone, catch yourself overthinking about the future, or struggle to concentrate when they’re not by your side. 

One of the most important steps to processing these emotions, Engelman says, is to give yourself permission to grieve in the first place.

“Some people feel silly for grieving when their pet is still here,” Engelman says, but “there truly is no avoiding our feelings. We have to go through the pain to get to a point where our grief is manageable in our day-to-day lives.”

As for how one actually processes anticipatory grief? Engelman suggests letting your feelings lead the way: If you want to cry, let yourself cry. If you’re feeling angry, don’t question it. Feel and observe all of the emotions that might arise without judgment. And as obvious as it might seem, find ways to spend time with your pet while they’re still alive — all the while staying grounded in the “here and now.” That way you won’t regret having lost that time with them later on.

Find a partner in your pain.

You don’t have to go it alone, either. Just like with any loss, Engelman suggests finding a support system with whom you can safely discuss your feelings. This could include friends and family, a grief support group, or a mental health professional. 

For those considering professional assistance, Engelman doesn’t believe there’s any specific time when it’s best to reach out. Some people do so as they prepare for the loss, and some seek help immediately after the death. Others might wait until they’ve tried everything else. 

“I think it is up to the individual when they feel like it’s the right time to find that extra support,” Engelman says. “I would say it’s never too early or too soon to seek out a mental health professional and add another person who is in your corner.”

If you’re supporting a grieving friend, listen.

Pet parent or not, we should all offer our unconditional support to those we know who are grieving. In many cases, this mostly comes down to being patient and understanding.

“Let people talk about their grief, even if they talk about the same thing 100 times or for years,” Engelman says. “It will tremendously help them sort through all of the feelings of anticipatory grief and the grief that will eventually follow.” 

It’s hard to overstate how important an empathetic ear can be. Research has shown that grievers found greater satisfaction in the support they received from animals than from their human support systems. Unlike people, who eventually got tired of listening to the same stories and complaints over and over again, the animals never did. So, if your friend is missing their pet (or even thinking about missing them), remember they are also thinking about missing a key component of the network that boosts their spirits daily. Try to do your best to fill that role as you bolster them in their time of need.

“There is no timeline on grief, and everyone grieves differently,” Engelman says. “So, just be there for someone. It’s the most important thing we can do.” After all, few things feel more heartbreaking than the isolation of mourning alone.

References

Cacciatore, Joanne, et al. “What Is Good Grief Support? Exploring the Actors and Actions in Social Support after Traumatic Grief.” PLOS ONE, vol. 16, no. 5, 2021, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8158955/, https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0252324.