Hot and Cold: Why Do Cats Cat Give Us Such Mixed Signals?

We’ve all dated someone who’s given us all sorts of conflicting messages (if you haven't, then congratulations, please teach me your ways). One day they tell you they adore you, and they can’t wait to introduce you to their parents. The next, they won’t return your texts, and you see them dropping heart emojis in someone else’s Instagram comments.

It’s enough to make a person swear off romance and retreat to the comfort of their sofa, curled up under a blanket with their cat and the remote control for all eternity. But when even your cat runs hot and cold, cuddling you one moment and biting you the next, what are you supposed to do? Can’t my cat, at least, commit to loving me?

One of my three cats, Wilbur, is the worst about this. He’s constantly tapping me with his paw and meowing, begging me for attention. When I pet him, he arches his back stiffly and slinks just far enough away that I have to stretch my arm all the way out to reach him. If I stop, because hello, it’s not comfortable to have to reach across the sofa, he comes over and nudges me until I pet him again. He can keep this behavior up for the entire time it takes me to binge Nobody Wants This again. (Let’s not talk about how many viewings I’m up to at this point.) I love him, but why does he have to act this way?

“Cats often enjoy attention, but on their own terms,” says Dr. Nita Vasudevan, a veterinary consultant for Embrace Pet Insurance. “The behavior you’re describing — tapping you for pets but then moving away — may be your cat’s way of controlling the interaction. By walking away and making you reach out, he’s setting boundaries and ensuring the petting session remains comfortable for him.” Sounds familiar — and honestly, a little bit toxic.

This is truly just how cats are.

In fact, however, Wilbur is just doing what nature has programmed him to do. “In the wild, cats are solitary hunters and spend much of their time on alert for predators,” Vasudevan says. “Their preference for independence, coupled with their need to maintain control of interactions, likely stems from these instincts. The ‘come here, go away’ behavior may be a way of keeping their interactions balanced, ensuring they’re not too vulnerable while still enjoying social bonding.” In other words, it’s not me, it’s him. And it’s not personal.

A couple of other factors could be at play as well, Vasudevan tells me. “Cats are sensitive creatures, and what starts as enjoyable petting can quickly become overstimulating,” she explains. “This ‘attack after cuddling' behavior is often called petting-induced aggression. It’s not that your cat dislikes you; it's just his way of saying, ‘I’ve had enough for now.’ Cats are wired to react quickly to discomfort as a survival mechanism, an evolutionary trait to avoid threats.” When she puts it like that, it makes sense.

“Tapping you and walking away could also mimic predatory behavior,” Vasudevan says. “Cats naturally love engaging in activities that mimic hunting, and your moving hand might become part of the ‘chase.’ This behavior helps them stay sharp and entertained, even in a safe home environment.” That’s a reframe I hadn’t thought of before — maybe Wilbur is keeping his hunting skills sharp, just in case I ever decide to let him become an outdoor cat. (Sorry dude, it’s not happening as long as we live in New York City.)

A quick internet search tells me I’m not alone in feeling confused by my cat’s contradictory messages. “There’s a fluffy cat in our neighborhood that visits my garden regularly and I always have to pretend like I don’t care when he comes up and meows, rolls around, and rubs against my legs,” writes a member of the r/catbehavior subreddit. “He will rarely let me pet him, and most of the time he will hiss and bat at me if I even acknowledge him. He just wants to love on me, but he doesn’t want me to reciprocate.” (Are we sure this is about a cat? Because I have a human neighbor like that, too.)

You can support your cat — even if they are perpetually confusing.

“Cats’ seemingly ‘mixed signals’ often reflect their complex communication style and individual personalities, which are shaped by both evolutionary and environmental factors,” Vasudevan says. “Cats communicate through body language, vocalizations, and actions. What may seem mixed to us might make perfect sense to another cat.” Vasudevan says that Wilbur walking away when I pet him might actually be a sign of our close bond. “Turning his back to you while still wanting attention might signal trust; he feels secure enough to let his guard down.” Awwww. My sweet boy.

How can I honor my cat’s boundaries, while still giving him the love and attention he craves? “Always observe body language by watching for signs of overstimulation (tail-flicking, ear-flattening, or sudden tension) to know when to stop petting,” Vasudevan says. “Respect their boundaries and let your cat initiate and end interactions when he’s ready. Always provide enrichment with interactive toys and activities; this can help channel energy that might otherwise lead to these mixed signals.”

Now if someone could just explain to me why guys act like the one in this eerily accurate TikTok, all my problems will be solved. Excuse me while I find Wilbur to see if he wants to watch that Kristen Bell and Adam Brody show again.