I’m Using My Dog to Get Out of Dating—Is That Bad?

Heavy Petting  is a relationship advice column for pet parents — so you and your boo don’t end up fighting like cats and dogs over the cat and dog. Do you have a pet who is affecting your dating life and need some advice?   Submit your anonymous questions here.

Dear Heavy Petting, 
So, no surprise, I adopted my dog during COVID, and we’re both having a little trouble socializing. My dog is pretty reactive, and we’ve both put a lot of work into getting him under a consistent routine. He really thrives with a predictable schedule. I am so proud of the progress we’ve made. I’m also a little afraid it will all totally fall apart if one thing changes — and that fear, I realize, is keeping me from enjoying some parts of my life that don’t include the dog. 

When I first adopted my dog, I was dating someone. We’ve since broken up, and I’m feeling pretty ready to date again now. But I feel like my routine with my dog doesn’t allow for it. Of course, I realize that I could hire a great sitter who could come hang with him, who I trust to do an evening walk. This feels a little pricey, and I’m just trying to justify that in a world where dating already seems taxing enough socially. 

With all this, I wonder if I’m using my dog as an excuse not to date. 
Yours,
Avoidant Attachment Style

Dear A.A.S.,
So in general, I like dogs more than people. I’m also someone who dated her way into becoming a co-parent to my wonderful, handsome brindle dog, Finn. So I will say, if you have a wonderful dog to potentially share with someone, you’re already coming in with such an asset. We’ve said this before, and we can’t say this enough: Even having a dog in your profile picture is very appealing, so you can start the game knowing you’re way ahead. 

But I also totally agree with what you’re saying: Dating can be exhausting. Just leaving the house can be unappealing, especially if there’s a great creature living there. I’m the child of two economists (so fun!), so I’ve known from day one that everything has an opportunity cost. The opportunity cost to go on a date can be as low as staying home and not doing anything. However, if you have an incredible dog, the opportunity cost for going on a date is very high! Hanging with an unknown person couldn’t possibly compare to hanging with a snuggly dog. 

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Are You Guilty of Using Your Dog as an Excuse to Stay Home?

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How common is it to use your dog to get out of dating?

When I asked a handful of dog trainers if they’ve noticed if their clients have used their dog as an excuse not to date, they’ve said everything from “Yikes, yes, to varying degrees” and “I’ve done it. I understand it” and “Transparently, I don’t blame them.”

Brett Bailey, a trainer with Who’s a Good Boy Industries, says he sees this among his clients and it’s not uncommon. “People don’t want to be away from their dog,” Bailey says. “Some people with dogs always go home early, or sometimes [don’t] even go out. The connection many feel with their furry friend is not comparable to a connection they would have with a human,” he adds. 

Alexandra Basset, the lead trainer and behavior specialist at Dog Savvy L.A., says she’s been there. “I fall on the overly attentive side of dog-caring, so I will forego dinners out to go home and take care of my pets unless I am granted the privilege to include my pets by going to a place with patio dining or a dog-friendly gathering,” she says. She also notes: “This has impacted my social life negatively and caused problems in my relationships. But relationships with pets are much less demanding than relationships with people.” People, she notes, can be very judgmental about appearances, which dogs never are.

But if you want to prioritize getting out, try not to let the logistics bog you down. Jenna Laski, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says, “I can understand pet care is a factor to consider when dating however if it's used as an avoidance then it’s a deeper theme that links to emotional regulation and a mindset that is more flexible and adaptable.” 

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Melanie Siegel, an associate marriage and family therapist, points out that your analysis of yourself — that your dog might be an excuse — is likely spot on. “If you are using a pet as an excuse not to date, you either don't really want to date — which is OK, so long as you are at peace with it,” Siegel says. “Or something deeper is going on.” This could be something like anxiety or stress — and your pet is representative of safe connection. “Or maybe you’re not over your ex,” Seiel says. The reasons could be endless. 

Siegel has a great tool to inquire what this might be: “If someone came to me saying they really want to date, but they can’t because of their dog, I would ask them ‘If all the issues you came to me for magically went away overnight, how would you know things had changed?’” If your dog was totally fine by themselves, or you had great, free dog care — would you be dating someone great? Or maybe you’d be going to the movies by yourself or a long dinner with friends. Your answer could be anything!

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Does Your Pet Like One Person in Your Relationship More?

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Wade Mollison, a therapist at Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy, introduces some other questions to ask yourself: “Are they fearful of rejection? Do they have past traumas that make them wary of forming new relationships?”

And then once those questions are answered — there’s no need to jump into things solo! “We would likely acknowledge the comfort their pet provides, then slowly introduce pet-friendly social activities to ease the transition and curb anxiety. It’s all about finding a balance where the pet remains a source of comfort but doesn't hinder personal growth and social connections.”

Also maybe have a fun celebration before you start to date again: Go to the pretty park, get treats, and — I don’t know — it could even include a photoshoot with your dog for some profile pics.