Does My Dog Miss the Guy I Was Dating?

Heavy Petting  is a biweekly relationship advice column for pet parents — so you and your boo don’t end up fighting like cats and dogs over the cat and dog. Do you have a pet who is affecting your dating life and need some advice?  Submit your anonymous questions here.

Dear Heavy Petting, 
Well, we start with a sad story: My boyfriend and I broke up a couple months ago. We only dated a year but we did move in together early. Then for a month after we broke up, we were still living together because rent is crazy. This means that it’s only been a few weeks that we haven’t lived together. And I think my dog’s little heart is now broken. (Just to clarify, I had this dog before my ex and I met each other.)

At the end, to be frank, one of the only things I liked about my ex was how he treated my dog. He was very patient with her when she was having her thunderstorm-scaries. He wants to visit the dog regularly… but I really don’t want to keep coordinating with him for the next several years, though I guess when I travel that sounds like a nice free option. But I feel like my dog is moping around more and keeps sniffing what was his side of the closet, and then lying down sadly in the office where he was sleeping for a few months.

I wonder how she’s coping. Should I let him visit for her sake? Is she going to be sad if she never sees him again? She was my dog before she even met him, but is it fair to keep them apart? Is this breakup really hurtful for my dog?

Thanks,
Sad Dog

Dear Sad Dog,
I’ve often noticed that, after a breakup, one person is moping around in total doldrums and the other person is like, “Yeah, I’m sad,” but they don’t look sad, and they just got a great new haircut and, like, four new pairs of cool shorts. This is just reading between the lines, but you seem like you’re in the “great new haircut” part of the breakup. Congratulations! All should be on the up-and-up for you. 

Except your breakup involves a third party. You’ve got a sweet dog who has lost a person who loves her — and she probably dislikes haircuts if she’s anything like every other dog I’ve met. But I think you bring up a really interesting question: It is important to ask how your dog is doing and what you can do to make sure she adjusts to this big change.

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How’s the dog feeling?

Let’s begin with the dog’s feelings: Is the dog as heartbroken by the breakup?Alexandra Basset, the lead trainer and behavior specialist at Dog Savvy L.A., says that it depends on your ex’s involvement before you split. 

“For instance, if the dog got more attention and daily walks from the person who is no longer present and their routine has now changed, but not for better — meaning less attention and daily walks — this can have a negative impact on the dog,” she says.

So, how can this show up in your dog’s behavior? Basset says she’s observed “what I would call ‘doggie depression,’ when a dog becomes disinterested in interacting with others and sleeps a lot after major changes occur in their lives, much like what happens to humans who are depressed.”  

Ciera Moberg, co-owner and behavior consultant for Instinct D.C., also mentions she’s observed “decreased interest in food or play as well as an increase in anxious behaviors in the absence of someone that played a significant role in their life.” In her words, “since dogs are social beings that can form emotional connections and bonds with others, they certainly can notice the absence of someone and it can take a toll on their emotional health.”

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What should you do?

Well, of course you could just get back into a relationship you didn’t want to be in. Just kidding! Not a single expert said that. But the trainers I spoke to say that you can calculate the role that your ex had in your dog’s life — and compensate in those areas. 

Jean Donaldson, with Academy for Dog Trainers, says that after a loss of certain attention (evening walks, play time, soothing during a thunderstorm,) the now solo dog caregiving “might want to take steps to fill that void. Doesn’t necessarily mean visits, but substitutes for the activities.”

Amazing news: These new substitutes can also definitely benefit you. Dogs and humans, are we just perfectly symbiotic creatures? Wade Mollison, a therapist at Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy, says “fortunately, while we work through this loss, we’re likely relying more on our pups for that sense of companionship, and we have the same comforting effect on them!” 

Not only are the snuggles nice for everyone, but just filling your ex’s former role could be beneficial to you while you figure out the structure of your new life, Mollison says. “Dogs also create a structure to our life that can be useful in keeping in perspective that we continue to survive even after a breakup.” 

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How should your ex be involved, if at all?

No one I spoke to jumped to recommend visits with the ex if you don’t want that. After all, there was a reason for the breakup. In fact, there was a good deal of gentle suspicion about your partner’s insistence on visiting the pup. It’s totally possible that your ex has entirely dog-oriented intentions — but also he’s requesting a situation that retains your connection to each other. 

Melanie Siegel, an associate marriage and family therapist, says if a client approached with this type of problem, “I would also be tuned in to if that was a client’s way of keeping the ex close or leaving the door open. I’m not saying there is a right or wrong here, but I would want to explore that as a possibility with the client to see if the action of keeping that person in the pet’s life holds a deeper meaning for them.” 

The arrangement with your ex should be oriented to whatever works for you — and once you know that, you can adjust for your dog (more walks! more playtime! special new treats for thunderstorms!). From what you’ve written, you don’t really want to coordinate visits, but you’d love a free dog-sitter whenever you want to travel. This could become a new routine for your dog — and for you; this sounds great and glamorous! Ask for what you want and if your ex agrees, perfect.

Whatever arrangement you come to, it shouldn’t be one that allows the relationship to linger further, says Bassett. “If it’s just a way to try to hold onto someone longer or get leverage over someone, then obviously it’s not a healthy or wise choice. A clean break may be the best choice for people who want to start fresh and meet someone new.” Isn’t it fun to have strangers lightly shade your ex? I agree.

Good luck to you, good luck to your dog, and hopefully no more thunderstorms for the whole rest of summer.